2015-01-22 / Columns

Having twice the fun messing with phone creatures

It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to any phone creatures, and I was gettin’ a little bit worried that I was gonna lose my touch if I didn’t get a call pretty soon. I even considered callin’ somebody up and messin’ with them, just to keep in practice.

But, lo and behold, one called the other night.

Phone creatures, for you out there who haven’t been readin’ this junk I write, are what I call those irritatin’ telephone solicitors. I like to mess with ‘em. I think it’s only fair, since they’re disturbin’ me. Anywho, like I said, one called the other night.

“Yellow,” I said into the receiver. Nobody answered. “Yellow!” I said louder. Then I heard that faint click that lets you know it’s a phone creature.

“May I speak to Mr. Mitchum please,” the creature said.

“Which Mr. Mitchum?” I asked.

“The home owner,” came the reply.

“Well, we both own the house,” I said.

“Either one then,” he said.

“Well, we’re both here,” I said.

“Yeah, we’re both here,” I said again.

“Are you both on different phones?” the creature asked.

“No,” I replied. “We’re on the same phone.”

“Well, I just need to talk to one of you.”

“Tough,” I said. “You ain’t got a choice. You see we’re Siamese twins.”

“You’re kidding,” he said.

“I wish I was,” I said.

“You wish you was,” I said again.

“Don’t pay no attention to him,” I said. He ain’t right bright, you know.”

“Are you sayin’ I’m stupid?” I said

“Like I said,” I repeated. “Don’t pay no attention to him. We only have one brain, and I’m the only one that uses it.”

“Yeah right,” I said.

“You only have one brain?” the creature asked.

“Yeah, and it’s a pain, too. All he wants to do is think about girls.”

“What’s wrong with girls?”

“Ain’t nothin’ wrong with girls, but I’m married, and I can’t have them thoughts bouncin’ around in our head.”

“Hey, I can’t help it if you were stupid enough to tie the knot.

“Only one of you is married?”

“Yeah,” I said. “He’s too ugly to find a wife.”

“Ugly,” I said. “Look who’s talkin’. Your face looks like it caught on fire and somebody put it out with a wet chain.”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “Well you’re so ugly, mom had to tie bacon around your neck just so’s the dog would play with you.”

“Wow,” said the creature. “It must be a real challenge for you.”

“Which you?” I said.

“Well both of you,” he replied.

“Sometimes,” I said. “But it does have its good points, too. Like when we eat watermelon. I eat the melon, and he spits out the seeds.”

“You’re kidding, right?” said the creature.

“No, he ain’t kiddin’,” I said. “Heck, I smoke cigars and inhale, and he blows out the smoke.”

“What do you do for a livin’?” asked the creature.

“I used to be a lineman for the telephone company,” I said. “But, havin’ to haul fatty up the pole with me got to be a chore.”

“Fatty,” I said. “Who you callin’ fatty?”

“You know that song, ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’?” I said to the creature. “Well, that’s a bunch of bunk. He is heavy.”

“It’s a gland problem,” I said.

“Yeah, you’re full of big fat glands.”

“Uh gentlemen,” the creature said.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Yes,” I also answered.

“I almost forgot the reason I called. I’m with the Nielson Rating Company and we would like for you to participate in our television rating survey.”

“Can’t,” I said.

“He’s right,” I also said. “We ain’t got no TV.

“You don’t have a TV?”

“That’s what he said, ain’t it?”

“We throwed out our TV. Me and my wife wanted to watch normal shows, and he was always wantin’ to watch ‘Bay Watch’.”

“I was interested in becomin’ a life guard,” I said.

“Yeah, you’d look more like a beached whale in a Speedo,” I said.

“You’re just jealous of my physique,” I said.

“Yeah right,” I said. “Your six pack has done turned into a keg.”

“Uh gentlemen,” said the Creature.

“Yeah?” I said.

“What?” I also said.

“I guess since you don’t have a television, there is no need to bother you further.”

“You ain’t botherin’ me.”

“You are me.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up.”

“No, you shut up.” Then I heard the creature hang up.

I was smilin’ to myself as I hung up the phone. I turned and there, as always, was my sweet little wife.

“What?” I said.

“Nothing,” she said. “I was just thinking that it is possible that you once had an attached twin.”

“What?” I said. “What makes you say that?”

“Well it’s obvious,” she said. “I got the one without the brain.”

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